Under Darkness [AU]

[Marian Hawke]

"How can that, their inability to love me the right way, be worse than... than what it did to me?"

[Tethras Clan]

"It's not worse, per se, it's... I guess I picture it as... Imagine your life as a building," Aveline says with sudden inspiration. "Good times are well built rooms, bad times are rooms that are crooked or made from bad materials. What... what it did to you was like making a room out of- out of I don't know, necromantic bones and some kind of toxic wood and putting it right in the front, so everyone has to walk through it to get anywhere else. So very, very bad. But that year... what your family did to you then... that's like trying to build on sand. It weakens everything, even the good rooms, are left a little shakier than they should be."

[Marian Hawke]

Hawke takes a deep breath, lets it out. "So my whole.. house... is ruined?"

[Tethras Clan]

"Err, no. That's where my- oh wait. Magic. We- the Clan- are like druids that are slowly solidifying the sand into rock of some kind," Aveline says, proud of herself.

"Sandstone perhaps?"

"...shut your face."

[Marian Hawke]

Hawke laughs, then, a relieved, giddy sound. "I love you two."

[Tethras Clan]

"Convenient! We both love you!" Zevran says brightly.

Aveline smiles. "And each other at that."

The merikos drow flushes a little, still disoriented at having such words given to him by the law abiding and... righteous paladin.

[Marian Hawke]

"Let's all get married," she throws out, then winces. "I don't mean that," she corrects hastily, with a sidelong glance to Zevran. 

[Tethras Clan]

"I..." Zevran takes a deep breath. "I... would... not be opposed to discussing that idea. As a Clan."

Aveline reaches over to take both their hands, eyes warm. "That sounds nice. Maybe something to talk about when you can both talk to Merrill, face to face. As a... kind of prize, I suppose." She'd be heartbroken to not be included in that, even if its only to the two of the. "And Isabela should at least be present when we discuss it, even if she's not interested in... joining in at all."

Zevran stares at Aveline. "You would..." He darts a glance at her hand, holding his own.

"I would."

[Marian Hawke]

My darling Merrill,

Seli said the most wonderful things. I still can't quite believe them. She says I shouldn't feel guilty even though I like to play pretend games that sometimes look like the things I did to hurt you. Have I said how sorry I am that I hurt you? I really really hate that this happened, that he used us both like that. I wish I could have convinced you not to follow me into the underdark. I would much rather think of you being happy and safe with  Clan than being hurt like you were.

How are you doing? Is there any way I can help? I want to get us back, you and me and Zevran all together. I miss you.

Hawke

[Tethras Clan]

On the outside of the letter, there's a scrawled note in Merrill's handwriting: please finish it before getting worried. It starts rough but gets better.

Dearest, most Beloved Hawke,

I'm so very glad that Seli was about to help you. I really like her too. I... I used to like those games too, I think. It can be hard to... think about sex at all anymore. It's getting easier but when I have my weekly sex therapy talks, I still need a calming draught. Still, I used panic at the mere idea, so that's progress, right? I'm glad you're doing okay with it. Better than me. I... I want that with you again some day. I want you do things like we used to again.

I'm not sure if I ever will. I don't know if I'll ever be able to make love with you or Zevran again.

I don't know if I can keep trying-

Bright Gods Hawke, I'm so sorry. Yesterday was a bad day, one of my worse ones. I thought really hard about restarting this letter but I don't want to hide things from you. I accidently saw one of the hunters, a merikos dwarf, naked at a stream while I was walking with Silence and Anders. His skin is kinda ruddy and it was shady so... I had a bad reaction. Anders and Silence took care of me, brought me home and calmed me down. Gave me a tonic. I shouldn't have tried to write you back then but I didn't want you to wait. And writing to you makes me feel better.

And I do feel a lot better today. I just... I don't do well with being surprised like that anymore. Anders says he's proud me of though, of how well I handled that shock. I made that poor ranger some scones this morning- he was very upset too. I screamed very loudly and started crying. Also Silence knocked him into the stream and held him underwater for a bit. So. Scones. I'm sending you a batch too- they're wheat and wild berry.

Please keep writing. Tell me how you're doing. Hearing about you getting better gives me hope, gives me motivation to keep trying. And... I... I'm not sure I should ask this but... Okay. How about this: I have a hard question, about... then. I'll write on a seperate bit of paper to go with this letter. Only read it when you're in a good place and with Aveline and Zevran, okay? Please? I... I can't remember the answer and it bothers me but I would hurt so much if you hurt yourself to answer it sooner than you can handle. Please? Promise me?

I love you, my guiding stars, my first friend, my first love, my hope.
Please be well.
Merrill Tethras

As stated, Varric offers Hawke a second slip of paper, folded in half, after she promises. When she finally reads it, it's fairly short and blunt.

Shortly after we got to the Underdark proper, there was a few days that are blurry. I remember pain and sex and darkness and glimpses of you and him. The first I recall after that, I had a slave brand on my pelvis. And I have a glimpse, in my head, of someone with dark hair doing it. Do you know how it happened?

[Marian Hawke]

My darling,

I didn't do it. I could never. I would never. Even for him. 

I wish I had killed them all.

I love you,
Hawke

Hawke lifts her quill from the page, ignoring the ice crystallizing on the paper, the desk, the floor. She turns to hand the note to Varric, the deadly calm not one whit ruffled. "There. Please ensure she gets this as soon as possible." Her tone is still too flat, but she's responding, she's not hyperventilating or locked in her head, so... that's good, right?

[Tethras Clan]

Aveline gently rubs Hawke's shoulders, uncaring about the cold and frost. "Some more deep breaths for me, amata? Varric will get that to Merrill right away, right?" A bit away, Zevran slips on a heavy fur parka.

Snatching up the note, Varric lifts off the ground. "Won't even run," he assures his first daughter before darting out of the room.

[Marian Hawke]

"No," she snaps at Aveline as soon as Varric is gone. "I am tired of deep breaths. I want to hit something."

[Tethras Clan]

Aveline doesn't miss a beat. "Alright, let's go outside and spar. Tomorrow, we can run another patrol. Damn spiders in those eastern caves breed like the vermin they are, I'm sure they could use a pruning again."

[Marian Hawke]

"I don't want to hit you," she snarls. "Gods above." She takes a deep breath, then, visibly struggling to reign in her anger.