Under Darkness [AU]

[Marian Hawke]

She knows the words to say next. Her brain, her wonderful, traitorous brain offers them to her on a platter. But they catch in her throat. She knows how much they'll hurt him to hear; but on the other hand, she wants to hurt him, wants to push him away. Wants to be alone. Wants to atone for what she did.

He was atop her; she was naked but for his collar, his hand petting her short hair -- she'd been growing it out for him, but it was still too short for his liking. His hand trailed down her back, then back up, coming to rest on her neck, cupping the back of it like someone about to scold a Mabari pup that's gotten in the garbage. His words were not the censure she was expecting; they were a soft purr of contented compliments instead, his velvet voice murmuring in her ear.

'You are mine,' he reminded her. 'My pet. My toy. My sheath. Remember that: you belong here, with me. Without me you are nothing. What a good pet you are.'

Some small part of her wanted to protest: she was more than a pet, more than nothing. She was Marian Tethras Hawke, wasn't she? She had a Clan, she had a home she belonged in, she was a hero. Wasn't she? But then, look how she behaved. She'd done the thing she swore she'd never do again: chosen one Clan member over the others, chosen to run away and abandon her duties, chosen to leave despite her promises to stay. The small part of her quiets, leaving her to her shame and guilt.

She was nothing. She was a pet, and her master was dead -- her own fault, the worst betrayal. Her Clan was broken, her home destroyed, her bonds broken. She could say the words.

"There's nothing here for you."

[Tethras Clan]

"Dwarves are craftsmen. Oh sure, we're warriors, sages and a host of other things, sure, but at our core, we build. Massive stone complexes, intricate devices, feats and marvels of engineering mostly. Me, I was always a bit different. I did my stint at a forge, yes, but it was never objects I favored. Never metal or stone. It was people." Varric continues to look at her, unflinching, undaunted. "How they fit together, how they interact, how they perform in this circumstance or that one, how they break. How to fix them. You're my daughter, Hawke. I gave my word, shared my history with you. That doesn't go away. I'll help you, care for you, love you for as long as I breath. And maybe beyond, theories vary on that part."

You made mistakes, little ones that lead to worse ones. You were hurting and confused, adrift and searching for... anything to make things work again. And we let you look in the dark, alone. Aveline, too caught up in her fear, her ghost of loss. Zevran, still so new to honest affection, to love and family, unsure how to help someone he can't just seduce to happiness. And me. Too damn set in my ways, too unwilling to express my emotions and reach out to people. Too wrapped up in my own head, too afraid to set down my masks and honestly, openly, make that connection. And look what it cost. Hawke broken, made into a shadow, a guilt-ridden, self-loathing emotional cripple. And Merrill, poor, sweet no longer innocent Merrill. Even after taking the collar off her, which was no easy feat, she's still marked as a slave by brand and scar. The look in her eyes, the terror and shame when she sees dark skin and light hair. When a woman gets anywhere near her. Gods.

[Marian Hawke]

The tears well up long before he's finished speaking. Deep in her heart, something breaks as his words hit home; but at the same time, it's a healing hurt, something she's needed for a long time and never known how to ask for. She knew Varric cared for her, even loved her perhaps, but to hear the words aloud, to hear the vow sworn explicitly and not just implied, soothes some small broken piece of her that she hasn't been willing to admit. Family, her heart tells her. This is what it's meant to be like, what it's supposed to mean: even when the worst happens, even when someone dies, even when you fail and everything falls to pieces, there is love and forgiveness. Not rejection. Not more pain. Not abandonment. Acceptance, love, and forgiveness.

"Papa," she whispers, her hands closing on each other tightly as she tries to resist reaching for him. What am I doing? I'm supposed to be... supposed to be leaving, supposed to be protecting him, but I just... I can't. I can't abandon him any more than I could leave Merrill behind, than I could refuse to help her.

[Tethras Clan]

Moving slowly, smoothly, taking every pain and care to ensure his every move is unthreatening, Varric rises to his feet and approaches her. "Daughter," he agrees firmly. "You're not alone, not anymore. I... we failed you, both of you. And we'll make it better. Zevran is beside himself with the need to help." Gods, please let him help you. If he can just help one of you, maybe... I'm worried he might... do something rash if he can't... if he has to see that raw terror and disgust in Merrill's eyes again. "I sent word to Aveline, she'll be on her way here soon too. She couldn't get away as fast as us but she did want she could to speed us on our way to you. You're not alone. We'll help you, I promise."

[Marian Hawke]

Aveline, her mind echoes dumbly. Aveline's coming here? To see me? After I-- after I left her again? After I almost (don't) after I ran away with Jadan? Sold myself to him so cheaply? I'd have assumed she never wanted to see me again.

"What..." she begins, swallowing to wet her dry throat. "What did you tell her?"

[Tethras Clan]

"That we found you, both of you. That you needed your Clan around you," Varric says simply. "She wanted to come with us, but if she went off without leave, it would have burned bridges we might need so... She got us a teleport most of the way, some magical horses and some... technically classified maps. But she's on her way now. Probably a few days."

[Marian Hawke]

Hawke shakes her head. That we found you, that you needed Clan. No, that's not-- that's not enough. She's going to be furious. She's going to hate me. No, I can't, I can't face her right now, I can't face that shadow in her eyes, the fury. "No," she whispers. "You have to send her back. She'll..."

[Tethras Clan]

"Hawke, I'm not such a fool as to stand between a highly trained paladin and her goal," Varric scoffs. "She... All of us need this. Need to help you. I get that you... think you're solely responsible for what happened. Probably filled with guilt and shame and the sick and twisted belief that we won't accept you, can't forgive you. But you're wrong. We all share a bit of the blame. You needed us and we left you alone. Left you... vulnerable. The sick fuck that hurt you and Merrill has the majority of the blame, but we all have a little of it too."

[Marian Hawke]

The sick fuck? Now she looks up at him, alarm written across her features.

"Varric I-- I think you have the wrong idea about Jadan," she says, her voice stronger than it's been. I can't let this tear us apart, but I can't let him disparage Jadan. It wasn't his fault, what happened to Merrill. He didn't mean to hurt me. This isn't his fault. Jadan is my beloved, my dearest friend, my -- was. He was. He's gone now.

[Tethras Clan]

"Slaver. Rapist. Torturer. Murderer. Spy," he ticks each off, one by one. "Vile, evil, thing. No, I think I got it fine."

[Marian Hawke]

She flinches at each tickmark. 

Slaver? No, that was the drow, Jadan was just a bounty hunter of sorts, a merchant, a.. collector of people. He only took fugitives who were trying to escape justice, not innocents, not ordinary folks. Their culture is harsh, but it's not my place to judge them for that.

Rapist? No. No, no no. She doesn't have a logical argument for this, just a sick sense of revulsion. The word won't stick in her mind; it slides away, behind a barrier she dares not cross. 

Torturer? Murderer? Jadan would never hurt anyone. He's just got some anger problems, that's all. I can help him through that, I can save him-- but he's dead. I couldn't save him. I failed him. 

Spy? "Spy?" she whispers, her mind latching onto this charge. Something concrete, something that can be proven or disproven. 

[Tethras Clan]

Varric nods. "When you went missing, we just figured you were a bit late. When late became a week without word, Zevran and I... took a second look at it. Made inquires, went though its holdings. It was pretty good at being discreet, staying away from suspicion, but once we started really pressing, the veil collapsed pretty quickly. That's the trouble with 'security through obscurity' and its variations- it works great, right up until it doesn't. Managed to get quite a lot from various employees and friends, plus find a few stashes of paperwork and other dripping poison vials." Enough to give Aveline enough ground to do a legal search, opening up a proper investigation. The fucking damage the sick fuck did, all covered with smiles and lies...

[Marian Hawke]

She shakes her head again. This has to be about him being Merikos. "He... he never really fit in with his kinfolk. Being male, being a drow, being an orphan... he had to go to the surface to make a life for himself. It looks bad, but it's really just..."

[Tethras Clan]

"Detailed notes on the movements, habits and living arrangements for more than a dozen Lights. Ten times that number of other nobles. And equal number to that of wealthy merchants, important scholars and notable public figures. It was practically an Assassin's Guide to Nyra. On, then there's the torture chamber, that yes, we confirmed was used to kill at least a dozen people. The older deaths get covered up by the new ones, you see," Varric says relentlessly.

"It was a monster and it hurt, killed and twisted hundreds of people. Thousands." He takes a deep breath. "Hawke... Merrill was... Hawke, it was there. When Merrill was... hurt, it was watching. Jadan was the one that... gave her over to be... hurt. She saw it smiling while she was-"

[Marian Hawke]

She gives her head one jerky shake of negation, processing rapidly. The information -- oh Jadan, was that why you wanted to bring me home? So you could try to redeem yourself by selling information about the Lights? You didn't need to. You could have stayed in Nyra with me. I would have taught you how to make a new family, a better family, like I did. Selling out your principles for love never works.

As for the rest... At first, there's a shock, raw pain lancing her heart through. Then she pushes it aside, and in the doing, loses a few more details to that barrier in her mind, locking away pain and knowledge both as she has done so many times before. Hundreds, thousands? That has to be an exaggeration. A dozen though, that sounds reasonable. "Varric I... I know you don't like to hear about my bedroom games but... You have the wrong idea."