Under Darkness [AU]

[Tethras Clan]

"Hawke... nothing in that room belongs in a bedroom or any kid of game." Varric stares at her until she meets his eyes. Her expression, shock and pain, horror, then confusion and... almost a daze. Then she focuses on a single thing, the wrong thing... she's discarding facts and observations that don't fit. That's even worse than... it's not an enchantment, not anymore. She's been trained to do it on her own now, without even a command/ Oh Hawke...

"Zevran was sickened by what was in that room, even with his past. I had to wipe his memories of what he saw in there, he started having flashbacks of... what he called 'the worst eleven days of my life, days I would have traded for an equal number of years in chains to have been spared.' If nothing else, the shrine to Keindrinas was a bit of a hint that it wasn't about fun." Cruelty, suffering, despair... and monsters. A fitting god for such a place and such a being.

[Marian Hawke]

Again, she buries the depth of it, and with it, some of her knowledge about Zevran. It's easier to reconcile the facts that way; Zevran rarely does the more extreme games, even with her, so while she knows he knows about them, it's easier to cast him as someone who doesn't understand, hasn't seen the darkest sort of fun. The pain eases away, lessens -- it's still a deep cut, but bearable. What pain is left she rationalizes with love, as has become her habit: Oh Zevran, my love, I'm so sorry what you saw hurt you. Varric, I'm sorry you had to deal with this, I'm sorrier still to have to lift the veil and show you what's behind it. And worst of all, poor Jadan. Was there really anywhere you could find the acceptance you needed?

"The games we played were... advanced," she whispers, lowering her gaze a little in embarrassment. "But not as advanced as he's played in the past. It might not seem... fun... to you, but..." Here she raises her eyes again, pleading silently with him to understand. "It was just another kind of sex."

[Tethras Clan]

"People died Hawke," Varric repeats. "Jadan. Killed. People. For. Fun. Dozens of people, tortured to death. That's not sex. Jadan killed people for the pleasure of it.." Again and again, Hawke, until you accept it. "I'm well aware of pain play, of submission and blood play. Of nonconsent fantasies and even pet and master lifestyles."

Far, far too aware. I'd known most of it in passing, before, but... I needed context, needed more information in order to... process. Strangely, it's made most sex more palatable in comparison. I would gladly watch you, Merrill and Zevan make love for hours if it meant you were all healed. Okay, might get a bit sick, but I'd do it anyway. A lot sick. Still.

[Marian Hawke]

Each time she flinches, shrinks, back, pales. "You're misunderstanding. He wouldn't-- he would never do that. To anyone."

[Tethras Clan]

"Merrill saw him watching as she was-" No, not that, not yet. "Hawke, we saw him hurt someone," Varric says instead, baiting her.

[Marian Hawke]

She shakes her head again. "I don't know... what you saw, but.."

It had to have been bad. Something truly bad. What did he do? She searches her brain, trying to recall. I asked him to come with me. He must have been drunk, to have called me names as he did. I pleaded with him. He... I don't recall. Somehow we ended up in bed -- or, well, not in bed, but playing tie-me-up games. I was trying to tell him we didn't have time, that we had to go. He was telling me, calling me stupid, saying I was causing trouble, and then... He left, I think. He came back, after. He was livid, his eyes were... but I can't recall anything after that.

[Tethras Clan]

"Hawke... do you... do you not remember when we arrived? You were tied up, your hands bound behind you while you knelt on the ground. Do you remember that?" Varric asks gently, moving a little closer, just out of arm's reach. "You had traveling leathers on, but not your armour." Come on Hawke, you can do it. Remember it...

[Marian Hawke]

Hawke hesitates, frowning, thinking it through. I remember him tying me up. I remember getting on my knees, begging him to listen, that we had to go.

Slowly, she nods. "I was... it was an awkward situation..."

[Tethras Clan]

"Why were you doing that? What caused you to... want to leave?" he coaxes her. Start back a bit, see if we can get some momentum going.

[Marian Hawke]

"I found out... well, I knew the Drow kept slaves, but we had been lied to about the circumstances, the... when I realized what was going on, I freed them, but I wouldn't leave without Jadan. But I couldn't send Merrill on without me, she needed me, so I was trying to convince Jadan to come back with me." Her voice is soft, her tone uneven as her breath catches. 

[Tethras Clan]

"And what did it say when you explained about the slaves?" Varric presses. "Just report what happened, don't explain things. Just describe what you observed."

[Marian Hawke]

It? He. Jadan is a he. "He said... I was causing trouble. That I was more trouble than I was wor-- he didn't mean that, Varric, he just gets angry. He was angry, so he said I wasn't worth his time. That I was..." a good lay "fun... but not worth losing his home over. That I would be getting him in so much trouble if I kept on. I tried to get him to come with us back to Nyra, telling him he could have a home there with me, but he said he was sick of my whining, and he said he'd ma--"

'I'll make an end to this and get back to my work.'

The gleam of his sword, the bolt of fear as she realized what he meant to do. His hand closed on the hilt, and she opened her mouth to scream, but nothing came out, no air, she just froze, and--

A blanket of frost forms on the blanket she's sitting on, a light dusting over the cot. She freezes, her breath pausing, her eyes unseeing. Her mind works, rushing to put it back, put it away, forget--

[Tethras Clan]

"Jadan stabbed you," Varric's voice cuts into her attempts at deluding herself. "Right through the heart. Jadan tried to kill you because you were an inconvenience. Jadan tried to kill you. Would have, if Merrill hadn't- if Merrill hadn't used the same spell she used to save me not a season ago."

[Marian Hawke]

The thin blanket of frost thickens, becoming proper ice. Hawke stares down at it, numb, distracted. "I thought I had grown out of that," she whispers, sounding distant, far away.

[Tethras Clan]

"Dying is traumatic, a bit of regression is understandable," Varric's mouth replies. Drying is traumatic? Really? "Don't worry about the ice, focus on me. Focus on remembering. You were stabbed. Do you remember that Hawke? Do you remember who stabbed you?"