Under Darkness [AU]

[Marian Hawke]

If he had been there for me...

She'd tried, after she was resurrected. She'd gone to her Papa, she'd sat on his loveseat in his office, she'd drank his whiskey. She'd waited for him to ask her how she was doing, really. But he hadn't looked her in the eye, hadn't met her gaze. He'd asked in almost a perfunctory way, and she'd lied to him. It was easy, lying to her papa. He didn't seem to want to face her, to challenge her on her lies. She'd felt vaguely troubled that she'd gotten away with it, but... The next time was easier, and the time after that. It was easier, too, letting Aveline go. She wasn't right for her; she'd done the unforgivable, had hurt her badly. She'd cried about it on Zevran's shoulder, saying only that they'd broken up. Zevran had been there as her Papa could not. But even that started to decay once she met Jadan. It was just so much easier, being with him. He didn't hold her dying against her. He just loved her. Just looked after her. Just wanted her.

"You couldn't have known Jadan would kill me," she whispers. "He had anger problems but... a lot of people do."

[Tethras Clan]

"...maybe not. But... but even if he hadn't... done all this, I still... I still let my cowardice get in the way. Let you walk away from us without a struggle... I was a coward, plain and simple. And it cost you and Merrill so much," he whispers, eyes closing. "When you needed me, I stepped back and just... I couldn't face you, not aftering failing to keep you alive. Not after seeing you... die for us, because I was a fool that thought himself clever enough to outthink fate."

The look in his eyes... it's familiar. It's the same look that she saw just after she came back. But... from what he's saying now... it's guilt? Shame? Not in her, but in himself?

[Marian Hawke]

Failing... me? Failing to keep me alive -- as if that ever mattered, as if that was even important. How could I have gotten so bad I let my Papa believe he failed me?

"No," she whispers, swallowing. "No, Papa, no, it's not-- that's not important, you didn't.. you didn't fail me."

[Tethras Clan]

"Bullshit," Varris says, voice soft but unyielding.

"You're important Hawke. I wish you could see how important you are to us. We're... hollow without you. Just ledgers and lies for me. Zevran was... gods, he was so lost when you and Merrill left. He actually moved in a week after you left. Stayed over after having a few drinks one night and just... never left. Split his time between shadowing me around, trying to help and looking in on Wynne." Pretty easy to see the pattern there. "I'll be honest, I don't think he even... when you didn't come back on the projected date, I think he stopped going out at all. Socially, I mean."

[Marian Hawke]

Zevran... how could I have left him behind like that? How could I have tried to leave Merrill? How could I have left Papa? I guess Jadan was right -- I'm selfish, dumb, looking for someone to lead me, someone to teach me, to train me up. Only.. only I picked wrong. Maybe if I'd picked better I could have...

"Papa?" she asks, her voice soft, tentative. She doesn't wait for him to reply, taking only a deep shuddering breath before she continues. "What do you want me to do?" 

[Tethras Clan]

"I want you to be happy. Safe and whole and... loved," he says without hesitation. "I want you to heal, to remember how to stand up on your own. I want you to feel good about yourself. I want you to feel good about who you are and what you do. I want... I you to be able to hold your two- or three or four or twenty- loves close and feel secure and content in what you have."

[Marian Hawke]

"Yes, sir," she whispers, closing her eyes. "I will do my best."

[Tethras Clan]

Varric is glad that she closed her eyes- in fact, that might well be why she did so. Regardless, this means she doesn't see him go pale and blanch with revulsion at her response. "I... Hawke..." Wait, no. What? No, this is- it's a viable plan. If she's looking for direction from me, then you can get her to recover. Once she's better, she can be weaned off her dependence on you. But that's fucking vile, a horrific breach of- worse than walking into her room one day and seeing her with a bolt- knife- in her heart? "I won't betray your trust," he says hoarsely. "I'll help you get better, help you be strong again. I swear it."

[GamesMaster]

Over the next few days, things seem to... stall. It's a lot to expect Hawke to improve much over the course of a week or so, but still, seeing her stall out, become quieter, more subdued, as if the life has gone out of her, hurts Varric's heart every time. Still, he faces it, again and again, refusing to look away, to let her down. 

He's picking up some food to take upstairs to Merrill when Aveline bursts into the common room of the inn, clearly looking for him. On her left, ready to guard her weaker side, is a pair of mabari pups: Beka and Silence, both half-grown, both ready and willing to fight for their mistresses. On her right, a step behind her, is a familiar strawberry blond, and one of the last people Varric expected to see.

Anders gives a pained smile, clutching at his satchel with both hands, ready to assist however he can. 

[Tethras Clan]

Varric's hand twitches, as if he was about to grasp something but the gesture aborts just as sharply as it starts. "Aveline, good to see you. Anders... guess a healer might be a good thing to have on hand," he admits. He takes a deep breath, thinking furiously.

Fuck. Why him? I... no. Don't think about you (done enough of that), think about Hawke (your daughter) and Merrill. Is this a good thing for them? He has a personal connection, his stability and mental state in general is improving well according to reports (should probably drop a word in the Doctor's ear about that), and he's got both training and personal experience with trauma (and not just in inflicting it). In a sense, experience with being betrayed by someone he trusted. Sure, it was a fragment of his own (stupid) mind, but he didn't realize that at the time. If nothing else, he can help Merrill. Shit, wait, no, pretty sure she still resents him for almost taking Hawke away (can't blame her). Which is probably doubly triggering right now. Alright. Need to focus on now. Need to talk to them in private.

"Varric, where is-"

"Let's go upstairs," he interupts her. "I have a room." The paladin scowls at being delayed but nods curtly before following him up.

Once they're in his room- he'll bring Merrill's lunch over shortly- he gestures for them to sit. Aveline does not, just stares at him demandingly. "I need both of you to stay calm and think before you do anything. And if you shout and spook Merrill nextdoor, I'll shoot you myself."

[GamesMaster]

Anders spreads his hands, palms up, in a gesture of supplication. "I'm only here to help. No shouting involved."

Anders had had a long trip here to think over whether this had been a good idea or not. When he'd heard that Hawke needed help, he didn't hesitate; he volunteered right away, packed the meager supplies he'd need, and set out as soon as Aveline was ready to go. But on the trip over, he'd had time to rethink his haste. Does Hawke even want me here? I know Varric doesn't -- the way Hawke tells it, her whole Clan hated me for what I did. If I can do some good, I'll do it. I just have to keep things calm.

[Tethras Clan]

Aveline's eyes narrow at what that sort of thing implies but she nods again. "Fine. No shouting. Might do some smiting if you don't start talking, but no shouting," she says with a thin smile. "Get on with it."

Varric laughs roughly. "Jadan- the vile wretch she fell in with- was a slaver. And a rapist, a sadist and all sorts of other fucked up things, including having far too much skill with charm spells. It... when we walked away from her, he was right there to pull her in." As he says this, he locks eyes with Aveline.

The paladin has gone pale and sick looking as Varric speaks. I didn't.. I didn't leave her,I just... needed space... to... I just... It hurt so much. Losing her, losing her for good would have broken me, I couldn't deal with...

[GamesMaster]

Anders, meanwhile, looks away from Varric, shifting uncomfortably. It's not as if I made much of an effort to keep her in my life after she saved me. I should have known she'd fall for someone worse next time. As if I didn't put her through enough... 

"Can I see her?" he asks, quietly. "I can make an assessment, help you understand what she needs."

[Tethras Clan]

"It gets worse," Varric says softly, eyes closing in pain for a second or two. "Once she was isolated, it got her to follow it away from home and Merrill followed them," he explains, for Ander's sake. "They... it was a very smooth talker, skilled at... easing people into things. From what we- Zevran and I- were able to figure out, it would use charm magic to... smooth things out when pressing boundaries. Takes longer, but much harder to detect. Hawke was... broken down. Made into a... toy. A sex slave and... I think muscle. Merrill got a bit of that, but... Jadan didn't really care about her. Ended up... selling her to some customer. She, uh, she was raped. For about two days." And beaten, starved and otherwise mistreated but that almost seems trivial in comparison

Aveline sways a little. "I... gods. I don't... gods."

[GamesMaster]

About what I was expecting -- he said rapist, slaver, sadist. Still, Anders stares, open-mouthed, taking slow, deep breaths. It hurts, to think of her suffering like that. And Merrill, I didn't know her well, but nobody deserves something like that. "If there's anything I can do, I will."