Under Darkness [AU]

[Tethras Clan]

"Hawke is..." He fumbles for a word. "Meek. She blames herself, for everything and anything. No self-value at all. She, uh, she made one attempt to..." Coward. "To commit suicide. Peli- her healer, a druid here, stopped her before she could hurt herself and I arrive shortly after but... She's made some half-hearted moves towards it since, but nothing... just eyeing kitchen knives and windows. She's... not really doing better, I think, but she's... maybe stabilizing? She, uh, she seems to be... pretty dependant on me though. Like a lot."

Aveline slowly sinks down onto the edge of the bed, trying not to be sick as Varric continues. "Merrill isn't... doing that thankfully. She's just... empty. Stares a lot. Barely talks, which for her is... She... She can't stand the sight of anyone with dark skin-"

"Oh merciful Bastion- Zevran?"

Varric shakes his head. "They... they talked a bit yesterday, though a closed door with me right next to her, crossbow drawn. She gets nervous around women as well, though she's mostly fine as long as they're not within arm's reach or aggressive in any way. Her healer, a hamadryad named Minerva and I are the only ones she can really tolerate touching her- Minerva's got the form of an prepubescent elf girl. And... don't make snapping noises. She was whipped. A lot."

[GamesMaster]

Anders nods, slowly, turning this information over. Merrill clearly has trauma, she's going to need support for the moment and, eventually, an exposure therapy of some kind. For now, perhaps a mood altering tonic will help lift her spirits enough for her to keep moving forward. The important thing is to keep moving, keep up some semblance of normality, and let time pass. I'd want her admitted if possible, but we're a long way from Nyra and I have to assume there's some reason we're here-- wait, no, what's lesson one? Assume nothing about the patient.

"Is there some reason she can't be moved to Summerhill?" 

[Tethras Clan]

"Merrill? Well, being around the Oak- it's a local nature deity- seems to be helping. She's a shaman, and very sensitive to divine... auras, I guess." Varric shrugs. "Natural has sex in it, sure, but Raplin seems to be more plant than animal so I gather His, uh, presence helps... mute things? Or maybe just distracts her with something."

Varric licks his lips. "She... she's also not asked to see Hawke. At all. She listens when I talk about her, let her know how she's doing. And if I don't, she'll hint at it by asking how my days was, what did I do and such. But..."

"But Hawke is one of the two core figures in Merrill's life. If she can't even look at Zevran and isn't interacting with Hawke..." Aveline works out, sounding concerned. "Wait, where is Zevran? Is he- well, I'm sure he's not okay, but is he..?"

"Better than you might think," Varric replies soberly. "Isabela is here- chance and luck evidently, she was getting some downtime between jobs and is sticking around. From what I've gathered, they know each other pretty well and she seems to holding him together. For now anyway."

[GamesMaster]

Anders nods again. Definite concerns about the patient's stability, with several central pillars missing. Not much we can do about it unless Hawke is willing to undergo a shape-change on each visit -- which, actually, might be doable, this is a place full of druids after all. I'll look into that before I say anything, though. Better not to get people's hopes up.

[Tethras Clan]

"So... yeah. I just... you needed to know a bit about what you're getting into before..." Varric sighs. "Aveline especially. Drow females are tall and well built so," he explains, getting a nod from the powerfully built paladin. "Hawke is... like I said, she's meek. Obedient. And sinks into guilt, shame and remorse at the drop of a hat. I've been... pushing her, I guess. Getting her to talk. Zevran- he's with her now- is more... casual about things. Merril is next door though, waiting for lunch. Did you want to..?"

[GamesMaster]

"If you think I won't upset her, I'd like to speak with Merrill, to conduct an evaluation in person," says Anders, his tone nothing but professional. "I can speak with Hawke later, next time you go speak with her if you'd like." Maybe not when Zevran's around. There's no way he's forgotten what I did yet.

[Tethras Clan]

Aveline exhales slowly. "Yes. I'd like to see Hawke but... seeing Merrill would be good as well," she murmurs. It might help me... brace myself to see what Hawke... gods. Walking away didn't even help. Too little too late. I love her already, why did I think stepping back would make it hurt less if... This is worse, so much worse. At least I was there for Wesley. At least I could tell myself, truthfully,
 I was doing my duty, that I did everything reasonable and feasible to keep him- keep the entire unit- safe and alive. This? I'll never...
 Hawke, Merrill, I'm so sorry...

Varric nods slowly. "It... it might be good to see both of you, to be honest. Just... give her space, move slow and talk soft," Varric says. Probably unneeded advice but he says it anyway, if only to make himself feel better.  "And she can be a bit... out of it. Well, more distracted. The Oak." Another pause, a glance at Anders, and he adds a bit sharply, though only a bit, "and maybe mention you're here for Hawke, not to get Hawke." Yeah, that's a warning.

[GamesMaster]

Anders nods, accepting the rebuke. "I have no intention of acting in any manner other than professionally, tending to the patient. I..." Telling him I still love Hawke, still want the best for her, would be counter-productive. "I have no intention of resuming our relationship at this time."

[Tethras Clan]

"Good," Varric says bluntly. Then takes a deep breath. "Sorry. You... you don't deserve that. What you did was... It's only similar at a great distance. Thank you for coming, for wanting, trying, to help."

[Marian Hawke]

Speaking of helping...


Hawke's having a bad day when Zevran arrives. He's been sitting with her every day, keeping a close eye on her, trying to grant her that sense of connection, of Clan, that she's been missing. Some days he sees her put out the effort, trying to sound normal, trying to connect back with him. She asks him casual questions: how the weather's doing, if he slept well, how Varric's been doing, whether he's eating enough. She doesn't ask about Merrill. She doesn't ask how he's doing, either -- he gets the sense she knows he's not doing great. They play chess, or read books, or generally keep each other company. 

But on her bad days, like today, she doesn't reach back when he reaches out. She doesn't speak to him; she glances up, meets his eyes for a second to offer a weak smile, so it's not a terrible day, but it's not a good day if she doesn't say hello. As he settles in and reads to her, she sits beside him meekly, feet folded under her, gaze on the floor. She's listening, probably; he's seen her react, reach for him, if he stops reading on a day like this. But she doesn't engage. She just wants him nearby, wants him to read to her. 

Zevran is safe to have bad days around. She tries not to show this side of herself to Varric; for him, she always says hello, always forces herself to speak up, to engage. He wants her to be well, and she does her best to please him. But for Zevran, she can let her guard down and be silent, still. 

He's not sure what upsets her. Was it something mentioned in the book? Something in her thoughts, unrelated? Or just some random flashback? She doesn't cry out or move, but he becomes aware of the frost beading on her nightgown, of the chill radiating from her skin, of the blue tinge to her cheeks. She sits, eyes on the floor, hands folded in her lap, feet tucked under her, freezing solid with no explanation. 

[Tethras Clan]

Without a word, Zevran marks the page and sets the book aside. Still silent, he rises to his feet then just as smoothly sinks to his knees in front of Hawke. Several moments pass before he finally breaks the silence.

"It helps to scream," he whispers. "To cry, to throw things or break things." To bleed or fuck. "Poison has to be let out."

[Marian Hawke]

Poison has to be let out. The words bounce around her head for a time, as she contemplates their meaning, trying to force her head out of the state it's in. She doesn't want to be here, to be in this room listening to Zevran. Some part of her wants to be with Jadan, with Merrill. It grabs snippets he's said to her--

'You are mine, my pet, my toy'

-- and she drags her head back, trying to focus on the room, on the man before her --

'Scream for me, beg for it, but don't finish, not yet'

-- and focus on what he's saying. Scream? Let it out? But I--

'Show me how you like it. Show me on this lovely doll. Make her squirm.'

-- Zevran. She's with Zevran. She's meant to be with Zevran. He wants something from her. Something about poison. She takes a deep breath, renewing her efforts to focus, to push away the memories. Scream. Cry. Break things. Throw things. All those take energy, take effort. She just wants to sleep, wants to stop being conscious for a time, wants to flee from her thoughts. 

"Cold," she whispers, with clear effort. 

[Tethras Clan]

"Yes, you're frosting things. It's... nostalgic, truth be told," Zevran says with a faint nod. "Does it feel good? Letting your magic out a little?" How can I help her? What do I do? I could lose myself sex, but sex is... what I am. No matter what was done to me, what I was made to do, the act was never tainted. Certain acts, yes, certain phrases or gestures, but never the whole of it. And that is a miracle, a true blessing from Ciren. I don't think it will work as it did for me, for her. "Is the cold bad?"

[Marian Hawke]

Is the cold bad? She hesitates, staring down at the floor, her eyes unseeing as she tries yet again to yank her mind out of this tailspin. 

'I don't want to hurt you,'  she'd told him, in a whimper

Zevran was asking her something. Zevran wanted something. I don't want to hurt Zevran either. I don't want--

'She's been a naughty elf. Here, let's teach her a lesson.'

-- to hurt him with my magic. She gives a small nod. The cold is bad. 

[Tethras Clan]

"Would you like to take a warm bath then?" Zevran coaxes her. At her nod, he licks his lips, then gambles. "Would... would you like company?" Oh, to hold you, to soak in the warmth of you and just have the closeness again. To touch you once more and know, flesh to flesh, that we are together again.