Under Darkness [AU]

[Tethras Clan]

"...can you explain why?" Aveline asks after taking a moment to ensure her voice comes out evenly.

[Marian Hawke]

"I want... you make me want... you make me want to be myself," she whispers. "To be who I was, and not..." a toy. A pet. A sheath. "Who I am now. But I-- but I want to please you."

[Tethras Clan]

Aveline takes a deep breath, staring directly into Hawke's eyes. "You know being whole, being strong and independent, being the loving, caring, wonderful Hawke I fell in love with would please me most of all, right?" her tone that of someone just confirming something. Getting a tight nod, Aveline musters a smile. "Okay then. I won't apologize or..." Make you carry my guilt, face my own shame and regrets. You don't need that yet. Maybe not ever. No, that's... Open and Honest. Eventually.

"Do you want me to- is laying on you bad?" she asks suddenly, tensing to rise.

[Marian Hawke]

"No," she whimpers, rapidly. "No," she adds again, more solidly. "I... just stay here with me. For a little while."

When they finally get back to Peli's place, Hawke is cradled in Aveline's arms, safe and protected. "Aveline's going to live with me," she chirps to Peli, sounding more lucid than she has in some days. She rests her head against Aveline's chest, basking in the warmth of her protective shield.  Safe, at last.


Aveline doesn't leave Hawke's side. She meant it, that she wouldn't leave her side; she uses her magic to keep herself refreshed and awake despite keeping watch every night, she follows her into the bathroom, she becomes her shadow every hour of the day. As such, she gets to see the worst of Hawke: the times she wakes up sobbing in the middle of the night and can't get back to sleep, the times she slams her fist into her leg out of sheer need to hurt herself, the times she seems to go away and leave nothing but an empty, complacent shell. But she also sees the best of her: the times she's more lucid; her fleeting, haunted smiles; the few moments where she glances at Aveline and her face softens into a tender expression.

Today, she's having... not a bad day, exactly, but a middlingly bad one, in Aveline's estimation. She hasn't gone silent, swallowing her feelings and emptying her shell of herself the way she does on the truly bad days, but she's curled around herself, rocking and biting at her fist, refusing to let Aveline come near her as she stifles back sobs. She was having a nap only a few moments prior, preparing for Zevran's visit; she'd woken badly, and hadn't spoken since except to refuse Aveline's attempts at comfort. Like the attempt she's shoving off when Zevran walks in: she whimpers around the mouthful of fist, "No, no no no, no."

[Tethras Clan]

"Hawke... please take your hand out of your mouth," Aveline repeats again, voice low and soft. "You're going to hurt yourself. I have a cloth you can bite if you need it. Or we could talk about- Zevran," she finishes, head turning.

"Bad day, my love?" Zevran asks gently, setting the tray holding their lunches on the table so he can cross to the ladies and kneel next to Aveline.

[Marian Hawke]

Hawke looks up with a whimper, closing her eyes. She takes her fist out of her mouth, struggling to calm her breathing, to not hyperventilate. 

[Tethras Clan]

"Do you... do you want a potion?" Aveline asks, tossing a helpless glance at Zevran.

I know I shouldn't judge, shouldn't dismiss how useful and helpful they are, but using the potions seems... fake. Like it's not really helping, just masking her hurts. Nevertheless, the merikos drow offers a wan smile. "I have a lovely lentil soup and shaved chicken on unleavened bread as well."

[Marian Hawke]

Hawke shakes her head, then shakes her head again to Zevran's offer. Another way you're weak. Zevran was himself the day you rescued him, you didn't even know he was suffering for years, and you can't even keep it in for an hour or two, you can't put on a brave face for him like he always did for you, you're nothing, worthless, without Jadan there's nothing left of you, I am a pet, a toy, a sheath. 

I am no-one. I obey. I am hollow. Thank you for teaching me, master.

She lets out another whimper, stuffing her fist back in her mouth. Don't scream. Don't cry out. Don't let them suffer any more for you. It was only a dream.

[Tethras Clan]

Before her fist can reach her mouth, Zevran's hand had snapped out and wrapped his own around hers. He locks gazes with her, saying without words, bite if you must, but at my cost, not your own.

"Hawke, tell us what's wrong. Seeing you suffering and not knowing why, not being able to hit, is worse than you sharing," Aveline says firmly, reaching up to run her fingers through Hawke's hair.

[Marian Hawke]

She shakes her head, whimpers. "It was a dream," she whispers, her voice hoarse. "No more than I deserve."

[Tethras Clan]

"Oh? I deserve to dream of D-Denarius then?" Zevran asks, tone slightly surprised and somehow polite.

[Marian Hawke]

"You didn't fail Merrill." The whisper comes out before she can stop it, a harsh, bitter tone, similar to the one she'd use when speaking of the aforementioned lich. 

[Tethras Clan]

"I... I could have stopped her," Zevran whispers with haunted eyes. "She's not the must subtle soul in the world, it was fairly obvious she would follow you. But I... I thought... if only one of us should... if she could only be with one of us," he forces out.

Hesitantly, awkwardly, slowly, Aveline slips an arm around Zevran, who tenses for a second, then gives her a wide-eyed glance at the supportive gesture.

[Marian Hawke]

"You trusted me," she whispers, the venom gone, sounding smaller, more lost. "You shouldn't have. But you did."

[Tethras Clan]

"Not really," Zevran says bluntly. "If i had trusted you, really, truly trusted you, I would have simply told you I wanted to help but didn't know how. Instead, I just offered sex, just flirted and waited for you to ask me what was wrong. You would not have been insulted, nor would you have been cruel or dismissive. I knew you better than that and yet..."