Under Darkness [AU]

[Tethras Clan]

Once, not so long ago, you said those words about me. Gods, what's been done to you Hawke?"Teach you to be weak, to you to be dependant. Use you. It took you in, even held you, yes. But it did it to trick you, to shape you into something it wanted. Anything it taught you was for its pleasure, its benefit, not yours. Hawke, it used you to hurt Merrill. Used you without care for your happiness or growth, for your dreams or ideals."

[Marian Hawke]

She shakes her head again. "Good. I want the people I love to be happy, and I--" She swallows, lowering her gaze. "I don't matter." 

[Tethras Clan]

"Yes you do," Varric snaps. "You're a person. A daughter, a lover, a friend, a companion, a hero, a champion and a part of our Clan. You entirely matter."

[Marian Hawke]

She shakes her head again. "That's-- it would have been better if I hadn't," here she stops to choke back a sob, but forces herself to continue. "Hadn't come to live with you. Hadn't believed that." 

[Tethras Clan]

"Easier maybe. Not better. This... this is better, Hawke, you're just..." Being weak. "Having trouble seeing the results will be worth the effort and pain of reclaiming yourself."

[Marian Hawke]

She shakes her head again. "I know what I am," she whispers. "I just.. .forgot, for a while."

[Tethras Clan]

"Yes you have," Varric agrees. "But we can help you get yourself back. I promise we won't give up."

[Marian Hawke]

She shakes her head. "I know, now. I've learned. I won't ever let-- let anyone else suffer because of my failures." My delusional belief that I could be strong.

[Tethras Clan]

Varric takes a deep breath. "Hawke. Look at me." Once she does so- so damn meek, even when ordered, she can still only just make herself make eye contact- the dwarf asks, "do you think, do you honestly not realize that you're making us suffer right now?"

[Marian Hawke]

I... I am? she wonders for a moment. No. Think it through, Hawke. Of course you are. You keep trying to hurt yourself -- why? The guilt. The guilt and shame and (Merrill, please, sweet, innocent Merrill, I'd hand myself over to a demon if it could take back what I did) self-loathing. But that's not because of what Jadan taught me. That's what I did. My own fault. But he knows that, or should by now. Could he mean anything else? 

"Seeing you suffering and not knowing why, not being able to help, is worse than you sharing."

That could be it but... I just... I don't know. I don't know how to ...

She swallows. "How?" she whispers, voice raw. "Specifically. So I can... so I can fix it."

[Tethras Clan]

Specifically. Right, that's not hard at all to put into words. "Ah... well. How about... how about a few things to work on and we can... revisit this after you've some progress on those. Alright?" At her eager nod, he takes another breath. "Okay. First, we'd like... like you to express your own desires and preferences more. If you... want to visit the rose garden and we suggest going into town, say that. If you want tea instead of juice, let us know. Okay?"

[Marian Hawke]

"That... hurts you? When I.... obey?" she asks softly, eye searching his face. 

[Tethras Clan]

Varric pauses. Telling her to disobey us sounds like a recipe for disaster but... how to phrase this. "Not... not the obedience, nor the lack. It's... we value your opinion. We want to include your desires and wants in our plans, our decisions," he explains slowly. "But if you don't tell us what they are, we can't. And that makes us sad, hurts us."

[Marian Hawke]

Oh. That's easy then. She looks faintly relieved. "I don't have any."

[Tethras Clan]

Walked right into that, Varric acknowledges. "Okay. Second goal then. Have preferences."