Under Darkness [AU]

[Tethras Clan]

"It can be," Varric says quickly. "It- things might not be able to... go back exactly how they were. But they can be good again. I do want you to stay. With all of us. In fact..." Nodding, he reaches out with the wand and-

Varric nods. "Yeah. You're even able to take care of yourself in a domestic way. Better than I can, in fact, at least you can make simple food. Shit, by Nyran law, as a half-elf, you're even old enough to take lower public offices." He's rambling. And it's not his aimless patter, when he's trying to distract or confuse someone. He's nervous, filling time with words, trying to stall while he works up the nerve to... isn't this when..?

"It's time to spread thy wings and fly forth into the wider world, oh Hawke. You're up for review for a raise at the end of the month, which I can safely say your absolutely wonderful and genius boss will be approving so even if you continue giving a third or so of your wage to support your mother-  who is not old enough to be retired- you can easily afford your own place. Or pay rent to me, if you want to stay. Or just stay." He glances away, then back at her. "Please." When he asked me to move in. To live with him, not because I'm bringing in money or because he's obligated to but because... he wants to.

[Marian Hawke]

Back when Mother was alive, when I hadn't gotten her killed yet. She was suffering so much from Bethany's loss. There were entire days she didn't get out of bed, days she didn't dress or clean herself, and I had to look after her on top of working. Gamlen was useless, of course. He'd make sure she got some food in her, but he didn't or couldn't see how she needed air, light, comfort. And with Carver gone most weeks, adventuring with his mercenary group, I was sure she was miserable without me. She seemed so ready to welcome me back...

But then I heard Varric beg me. He struggled to work up the nerve, then he begged. I couldn't stand it. I loved him -- I love him -- so much it hurt. To think I was hurting him, was maybe leaving him... no, I couldn't. I needed him in my life. I didn't realize quite how much until that moment. And, there, out of the corner of my eye -- that sag, that relief. He loved me too. I knew, even then. 

Did I ever see a look like that on Jadan's face? Did he--

It would be fascinating to watch in realtime if it wasn't his daughter. Varric gets a brief flash, something he hadn't seen before: Jadan's face, the look of utter disgust and contempt on his face as the sword slides home into her chest and it hurts so bad and she can't even find breath to scream--

The memory is gone as soon as it begins, and he can almost feel her mind grinding to a halt as it's shoved aside, buried, locked away. With it goes the entire train of thought; the memory she'd just relived, the conversation, what she was doing. Her thoughts clear away, and the new ones that roll in come on a wave of sap. Varric was... saying something. I was. The wand? Remembering. (Jadan killed you. Remember that.)  (I am a good pet and he loves me).

[Tethras Clan]

Like. Hell. Without even a second's hesitation, he uses the wand again.

Jadan's face, the look of utter disgust and contempt on his face as the sword slides home into her chest and it hurts so bad and she can't even find breath to scream--

Just that, handfuls of gold to bring back less than six seconds of memory, crystal clear. And then again.

Jadan's face, the look of utter disgust and contempt on his face as the sword slides home into her chest and it hurts so bad and she can't even find breath to scream--

"Remember Hawke," Varric snaps. And again.

Jadan's face, the look of utter disgust and contempt on his face as the sword slides home into her chest and it hurts so bad and she can't even find breath to scream--

"Jadan didn't love you. Jadan never wanted anything good for you. Jadan hurt you."

Jadan's face, the look of utter disgust and contempt on his face as the sword slides home into her chest and it hurts so bad and she can't even find breath to scream--

Forgive me Hawke, for doing this to you. "Remember this," he grits out.

Jadan's face, the look of utter disgust and contempt on his face as the sword slides home into her chest and it hurts so bad and she can't even find breath to scream--

[Marian Hawke]

Hawke screams. 

The sound is pure, unadulterated agony made sound. Her face drains of blood, her eyes wide in terror, but it's not the fear that really backs the scream, it's the pain. She screams like she's being flayed alive, like she's being torn limb from limb. Her mind takes the loop and run with it even after Varric stops, pummeling her with the memory over and over again like a warhammer, she can't stop, she can't breathe, she can't think, it hurts, it hurts, make it stop, I don't want to, I don't want to remember, don't make me remember! 

[Tethras Clan]

And Varric goes flying back, a red mark on his cheek from where Aveline kicked out at him. She scoops Hawke up, pressing her tighty against herself as a double pulse of healing light rushes through the magus even as she lets out a jumbled steam of endearments and assurances of safety. Zevran suddenly finds himself kneeling next to Varric with a shard of wooden mug against his throat.

[Isabela]

Even Isabela flies to the rescue, a knife coming out, though she stops short, having nowhere to aim it. Having nothing to attack. Nothing she can do. 

[Marian Hawke]

Hawke's scream dies off into a gasping pant, and she shudders, bursting into sobs against Aveline. "He hurt me, he hurt me, he hurt me," she mews, desperate and afraid. Already, she's reaching for what comfort her tattered mind can scrounge up: "Jadan killed you, remember that, it's important. I am a good--" 

She chokes off, unable to complete the phrase. There's no comfort here, only cold, empty words, only the look of disgust and contempt on his face as the sword slides "save me, Maoroi, help me, please, I can't, I can't breathe--"

[Tethras Clan]

"Hawke, I'm so sorry," Aveline says as she snatches up the wand from the bed where it had fallen. It takes two tries, but she finally manages to activate it.

[Marian Hawke]

"...it's Celestial. It... it's... outsider languages have too much nuance and... weight to really translate but... Beloved. It means beloved."

Just like that, she goes from drowning in her own pain and memory to clinging to a life raft, holding tightly. Aveline. Maoroi. Aveline, my love, my protector, my guardian, my shield. Please, please. 

(What happened next, Hawke? Focus. Don't think about Jadan. Focus on Aveline. I spoke next. I said...)

 "Oh. Then, yes. That's a good one." Beloved. I loved that she loved me, I could see the blush, the heat on her cheeks, but also the tension around her eyes, that tension that never quite fades. The fear that I'll hurt her. Knowing she trusts me, despite that. That she believes me when I say I won't (I'm a liar I'm a firebrand I'm a monster) (Focus on Aveline)

"It's... it means... it means that, but... also.. the.. .tense. It's... even nouns can have a tense to them, sometimes, if you emphasis it a certain- amata implies... eternal. Timelessness. Not just forever, but always was. It... might- some might say, ummm, 'wife' could be a valid translation." Wife wife wife (Merrill!) She wants to be with me always, she swore to protect me always (" With Vangal's blessing and in Astea's name, I swear I will guard and serve you for all my life, amata." ) Aveline loves me she does. 

She takes a deep breath. Another. "I'd like it if you stayed, amata." 

"Amata," she whispers. That's who I am. Aveline's amata. Papa's daughter. Zevran's voice in the dark. (Merrill!) (Don't think about it). 

[Tethras Clan]

"Yes, always and forever, amata," Aveline says with relief. A second later, Zevran kneels next to the bed, peering into Hawke's eyes. "We're both right here," he agrees, reaching out to tentatively rub a lock of her hair between his fingers.

[Marian Hawke]

"Noir," she breathes. her eyes closing as she tilts her cheek toward his hand, wanting him to touch her, to comfort her. 

A moment later, her eyes snap open. "Papa?" she asks, worried. 

[Tethras Clan]

"Fine. Staying very still, but fine," Varric says cautiously. Sweet Aydra, was Zevran always that fast? Yeah,
 just gonna lay here for a bit more.

Zevran leans in and brushes his lips over her own, then pulls back just an inch to smile at her. Behind Hawke, Aveline presses a kiss to the back her Hawke's neck, just behind her right ear. "See, everyone is safe. It's okay, you're safe. Shhhh."

[Marian Hawke]

Everyone is safe. Everyon-- "Bela. Anders." She blushes, just a little. "I-- Something's wrong with me, isn't it? Something is wrong in my head." Papa was... angry with me. I-- did something wrong. (Remember this. Jadan killed you. Remember that. It's important. Remember, Hawke. Jadan didn't love you.)

Feeling her heartbeat speed up, feeling the panic reaching out to claim her, she lets out a strangled whimper, burying her face against Aveline and breathing in deeply. 

[Tethras Clan]

"...I think... I think we might want to... call it for today. See how this... takes," Varric says as he slowly gets to his feet. "She's... she seems to be remembering what Jadan did to her now. But she's... having some issues with that." Clearly.

Zevran tosses a dark glare at him before moving into cuddle Hawke between him and Aveline. Who, if Hawke is up for noticing, doesn't bat an eye at the closeness with the self-admitted slut.

[Marian Hawke]

Seems to be-- how can he tell? Is he-- it's almost like he can read my mind.

I hope not. Nobody deserves to hear what goes on in my head. (I am nothing but a sheath.) (Blood running down Merrill's back) (stupid, so stupid, better for everyone if you just left, just died) Stop it, I have to focus. Aveline. Focus on Aveline. (Wonder if I can get free of her) Breathe.

She takes a deep breath in, lets it out. Find your equilibrium again. Let go of desire. Be where you are. You're safe, you're right where you're supposed to be, you're doing what you're meant to be doing. The pain is no worse than you deserve. (Merrill!) Papa's here. Aveline's here. Zevran's here. Surrender to their will. Let them love you.