Under Darkness [AU]

[Tethras Clan]

Varric has to fight to control his gorge from rising, which unfortunately allows Hawke more time to descend into her thoughts. "Hawke, back with us, back here. Focus on my voice, focus on Aveline's arms around you. Rem- you're safe. You're right here with us. You're safe with us. Everyone is safe," he says quickly.

[Marian Hawke]

Aveline's arms. Safety. Clan. She takes a deep breath. 

[Tethras Clan]

"There you go," Varric whispers. "How you doing Hawke? Can you tell Aveline what you're thinking? About her?"

[Marian Hawke]

"Safe," she whispers, and Varric can feel how much effort it takes to force the word out. "Maorai." The second word is easier, a little, now that the threshold has been crossed.

[Tethras Clan]

"Amata," Aveline nearly sobs. "My amata. Thank you so much," she whispers. "Thank you for staying with me. Thank you." Across the bed, Varric smiles at them both. That's my girl. Still fighting, still trying.

[Marian Hawke]

Staying? Where would I go? (The cold grey walls of the temple basement, the tip of Bianca's bolt against her breastbone, "I love you all") Aveline I'm sorry I'm sorry

[Tethras Clan]

"You don't have to go anywhere Hawke," Varric assures her smoothly. "You can stay with us for as long as you like."

[Marian Hawke]

Stay here with Master and Aveline. She settles into the thought, feeling the comfort and safety of it. Do better. Won't fail again. Be a better pet so (contempt and disgust, the feel of metal in her chest) Master will still love me. Papa. I mean Papa will still love me. As she climbs her way out of the destructive put her mind has been trapped in, back to solid ground, he can sense her finding more familiar thought patterns, finding his name there rather than the dreaded M-word. 

[Tethras Clan]

That's... better? Maybe? No, it is better, just not really good exactly. "That's right, daughter mine. Your Clan is here. We love you. More, we respect you. We want you to be whole and healthy, mind and body."

"You're our friend, our family, our love," Aveline adds softly. "We're here for you. Always."

[Marian Hawke]

Papa's here. Papa. Beloved, wonderful Papa. It'll be alright. He saved me from being nothing before, made me a good person, a hero. He'll fix this. Papa's wonderful (the feel of Bianca's stock pressed into her hand) he can do anything (he deserves a better daughter) I love him so much, deep down in my soul (Varric's eyes sliding away from her face, not able to look her in the eye)

[Tethras Clan]

Varric cringes a moment, face paling. Oh gods. Oh gods. "Hawke I'm so sorry," he gasps out. "I- I was a coward, I just couldn't- I let fear get in the way of love, I just- I never regretted you in my life. Never, not once."

[Marian Hawke]

"They're probably afraid to lose you," Jadan had said, drawing a lazy circle on the back of her hand. ("Good, that's good" Varric had said, accepting her lie with relief)

"I hate that they had to see that," she'd admitted ("I'm not sure I can... I just need time," Aveline had said, and she hadn't called her Amata)

"If they can't handle it..." (Rage and pain, grief, the world was broken, life was meaningless without Papa in it)

It's better without me. They're better without me. I don't want them to suffer. (if I can be a pet, I can live, I won't hurt them like that again)

[Tethras Clan]

Varric has to swallow a few times, blink even more, in order to prevent himself from weeping. Not crying is a lost cause. "It did hurt," he chokes out. "Watching... I turned- something made me look away from Merrill when she spoke and I saw you- I saw your eyes when-" He takes a deep breath. "That was bad. Horrible. Seeing what Jadan made you into is worse. I want my daughter back."

[Marian Hawke]

Worse? ("I want my daughter back") Jadan made me whole, made me better, made me lovable.

[Tethras Clan]

"No he didn't," Varric says firmly, unwilling to take his hands off Hawke's to wipe his face. "Jadan broke you, hurt you. What he did- it's nothing any of us want for you. We liked what you were before."