Under Darkness [AU]

[Marian Hawke]

She moves rapidly, her hands flying over the form. Pressing, stitching, just trying to keep blood in the body, keep things together. Sound goes away; everything seems distant, like she's underwater. Once in a while a shriek breaks through, but it doesn't, can't, matter, she just has to keep working, she has to--

"Hawke!" 

The sound of her master's voice snaps her out of her trance. She turns, looking at him, struggling to focus. His face is in sharp relief, while everything else seems dull. "Yes, sir?" she asks, her voice a hushed whisper. 

"You can stop now. He's dead."

She can't feel anything but numb. "Yes, sir." 

[Tethras Clan]

Bastard. A single heal spell, of any kind, would have been enough to save that poor soul. You did your best but he was torn up horribly. Wynne might have been able to save him without magic but Merrill couldn't have done it. No shame in not being able to help him. You tried your best.

Asshole. Probably blames her for this too. [/i]

[Marian Hawke]

The memory dims, fades, as Jadan puts his arm around [Varric] to walk her home.

As he comes to his senses once more, Varric becomes aware of the crumpled ball at his feet: his daughter, the ribbons back and tighter than ever, her arms wrapped around her knees, struggling to breathe through the great, gasping sobs. 

[Tethras Clan]

Varric kneels next her, holding her close. "Focus on me. Focus on my voice. Listen to me Marian. Hey, can you tell me about... how about your first date with Aveline? Where did you go? Can you tell me about that?"

[Marian Hawke]

"I don't, I can't, can't remember, I, Aveline, please, Aveline, don't tell her about this, I need, tell her something happened to me, don't let her know what I plan to do," she babbles, desperate, struggling to focus. 

[Tethras Clan]

"Hawke, no," Varric snaps. "You can get past this. It wasn't your fault. You were under the effects of mind magic. You can get past this. We'll all help, I promise. Aveline won't leave you, she loves you." Plan to do?
 Keep hope, Hawke. Gods, please (don't try to-) keep hope.

[Marian Hawke]

"I let him die," she whispers. "I may have killed him, I can't recall what-- I wasn't paying attention, I should have pushed harder, I knew I wasn't doing well and I just let him die..."

[Tethras Clan]

"Hawke, you're not a healer!" Varric says firmly. "I'd only give Wynne even odds on having saved someone with those wounds," You might not have noticed how bad it was, but I could see. Over a dozen broken bones, most of them big ones. Cuts everywhere, one of his eyes was basically goo... just the blood loss alone... He was dead before you walked in the room. "You did the best you could. You didn't kill him, I promise."

[Marian Hawke]

"I should have got Wynne. Why didn't I get help?" she whimpers. "Why didn't I--"

Focus on Papa. What was he saying? She takes a deep breath. "Magic. I was magicked." 

[Tethras Clan]

"Right. Mind control. That wasn't you thinking, that was Jadan making you think the way it wanted you to. Besides, you didn't have time to get help. Jadan should have had a healer on hand, should have at least had a wand or something better than a basic healer's kit." Varric starts rubbing her back slowly. "I... do you think you'll remember now? What was done to you, will you remember or... or should we keep going?"

[Marian Hawke]

"I can't, Papa," she whimpers, and the ribbons tighten on her skin. A thin line of blood trickles down her arm, apparently coming from where one of the ribbons is digging in tighter. 

[Tethras Clan]

"You can," Varric insists. "I know you can. You're so damn strong Hawke, and you're not alone. We can break for a little while though. Okay? Just... stay here, like this for a little while," he relents slightly. "Alright? Just a little break."

"We could do some math? Or maybe some riddles?"

[Marian Hawke]

Marian's eyes fall on the blood, and she licks her lips, nervous. "I-- math. Yes, please, math." 

As Varric covers her arm with his hand, he begins feeding her math problems: first simple multiplication, exponents, then algebra problems, derivatives, limits. Slowly, she begins to relax, the ribbon easing up so it's not so tight against her skin. It loosens until it looks merely decorative; it doesn't vanish this time, though the storm dies down to a gentle snowshower. 

[Tethras Clan]

"That's my girl," Varric says after a while, shifting again so she can't see the blood on her arm. "So... why I have you here and such, any thoughts on what you want for dinner tonight? I was thinking about maybe brushing off my mutton and rice stew..."

[Marian Hawke]

"I don't eat," she reminds him quietly. "I just tend the flowers."