Under Darkness [AU]

[Marian Hawke]

Beloved Merrill,

I suppose you've heard by now that Carver is in town? I spent some time with him the other day. That went... surprisingly well. Nobody got stabbed, not even a little. 

I hope you're doing well. I miss you. 

Hawke

[NPCs]

My wonderous Hawke,

I spoke with your brother yesterday. He seems... better. He still has so much anger and hurt in him but he's finally facing it, I think. We agreed that we would both not hurt you so neither of us has to try and make the other go away. So that's nice. Papa said he, Zevran and Isabela are going to Nyra to get our things soon. Do you think it would be too much to ask them to get a few things from the Bazaar while they're there? I'd like some nice bolts of silk, maybe some purples. And more buttons, metal ones. There are nice stone and wood buttons in the village but not metal ones.

That night, I talked with Anders. And then again, earlier today, with Papa. I can see why you fell for Anders before. Now that Justice isn't driving him, he's a very good man. You have a gift, to have seen that before anyone else, even Anders. I think when we're both better, maybe he could court us? Or we court him? Court each other? Is that okay?

Umm. Your pillow is coming along nicely. I've finished one side of it. Well, the panel of one side, it still needs embellishments of course. Do you like green or red more?  I hope you're doing well. I miss you.

I love you, my guiding stars, my first friend, my first love, my hope.
Please be well.
Merrill Tethras

PS- Papa gave me your letter just as I was finishing mine. As you just read, I did know Carver was here. Bit strange to have spoken with him and not know, I suppose. I'm glad there was no stabbing. It would be bad if he'd lied about not hurting you. Miss you too.

[Marian Hawke]

Beloved,

You can court whoever makes you happy. But please, please, please be careful. Anders has been sweet to me since we got here, but he can get passionate, and he can be possessive, and he can be unintentionally cruel. Please be careful. 

I love that you still sew. I love that you want to make me a pillow. I like green. 

I'm glad you and Carver are getting along. I hope nothing goes wrong with his trip back to Nyra. I miss you.

Are you getting along with Zevran 

How is Silence doing? Beka is so smart. I love her so much.

I love you, my flower, my sweet Merrill,
Hawke

[Tethras Clan]

Warm and Caring Hawke of Clan Tethras,

Don't worry, Papa is being very vigilant about Anders. And I checked and his penis is flesh. But don't worry, it was my choice to check. Anders was really nervous and that was why we had the talk that morning I mentioned in my last letter. Papa said I can't do anything with Anders I wouldn't do with him. Papa, I mean, not Anders. That would be silly, to say I couldn't do something with Anders unless I could do it with Anders.

Would that mean I could do anything or nothing? Huh.

Anyways, green it is! I have this really nice soft green yarn that's super nice. I was thinking of using that to do the joinings, for a little extra color. Have you started doing your writing yet?

Oh! Did you met Hunter yet? Remember him? That's Silence and Beka's brother! He's all gruff and stoic, just like his person, but you can tell how much they love each other. It's super adorable watching Carver give Hunter a belly rub when he thinks no-one is looking. He gets this really sweat goofy face.

I wrote Zevran a letter yesterday too. This helped- writing you helped- so I thought I'd try it. It went well.

I love you, my guiding stars, my first friend, my first love, my hope.
Please be well.
Merrill Tethras

[Marian Hawke]

Merrill,

My sweet Merrill. My beloved Merrill. No, I don't deserve to call you mine. You are only yourself, always beautiful no matter what.

I'm sorry. 

I don't
I can't
I don't deserve
I'm so sorry

I'm sorry this letter is late. It took me a while to compose. I agree, Hunter is nice. Nicer than Carver. Green is a pretty color. I haven't started writing yet. I've been drawing. I drew you a picture of a flower, I enclosed it.

Please take good care of yourself. 
Your Hawke

[Tethras Clan]

My beloved Hawke of Clan Tethras,

I am yours. I am also my own. But I like being your beloved. I like being sweet to you. Sweet with you.
 I love you Hawke. Your love for me, my love for you- it's the center of who I am. I love you. I love Zevran.
 I'm just too weak hurt to be with you right now. With either of you. But I'm getting better. I promise.
 Will you wait for me?

I love you, my guiding stars, my first friend, my first love, my hope.
Please be well.
Merrill Tethras

PS- I almost forgot to- sorry. I liked the picture. Papa is going to have it framed for me so I can put it on my bedside. I love you.

[Marian Hawke]

Beloved,

I will wait for you until my very last breath, and after that I will be waiting in the afterlife. You are not weak. You were never weak. After everything I they did to you, you're still fighting to be with me. That's the strongest thing I've ever seen. 

You're stronger than me. 

You love for me isn't the center of you. There's something deeper than that, something you were before I met you. There's this essential core of goodness and kindness inside you, something that I would do anything to protect. That's why it hurts so badly that I betrayed you and #############

Sorry. I can't talk about that. 
I love you I love you I love you
Your unworthy pet Hawke

[Tethras Clan]

My absolutely great Hawke of Clan Tethras

Thank you. Thank you for waiting for me. I will wait for you as well. Always and forever, long past when the stars can not longer burn, when the gods have faded and everything else is gone, my love for you shall be yours. I don't think I'm stronger than you though. My strength comes from us, so that's can't be true. We are strong. Together. Even if we can't be together in person, our love is still together.

You are worthy of my love, because I deem you so. That's consent too, I think. I choose to love you. You don't have to love me back, but I hope you do. You said you do. And I trust you do love me. Even when- when you- even when it's darkest, I know you love me. And love you.

I forgive you.

I love you, my guiding stars, my first friend, my first love, my hope.
Please be well.
Merrill Tethras

[Marian Hawke]

Hawke doesn't read this one aloud; she'd been in the habit of reading through the letter once for herself, then reading it to Aveline the second time, gushing over how wonderful Merrill was, how well she was doing. This letter, however, she just reads over and over, her hands shaking, the parchment fluttering. 

The first time she reads it, tears spring to her eyes. By the third, she's sobbing, huge, broken sobs, clutching the letter tightly even though she can't see it anymore. She doesn't make a sound, except for the gasps of air as she sobs. 

[Tethras Clan]

By the second, Aveline had moved around to read the letter over Hawke's shoulder. Of course, she reads slower than Hawke, so by the time she finishes, Hawke is already sobbing. Pulling the smaller one close, Aveline starts rocking her gently. "Sshhh.... shhhhh," she murmurs. "You're safe, I have you. It's okay, Merrill is okay. We're okay. Shhhhh. You're loved and safe, it's okay."

[Marian Hawke]

"I can't," she whimpers. "I can't." 

[Tethras Clan]

"Shhhh, it's okay amata," Aveline whispers into Hawke's ear. Giving up on just hugging, she pulls Hawke entirely into her lap and curls around her protectively. "I know it hurts to think on it, but it's okay. Just focus on me for now. Who am I Hawke?" As always, she feels silly, almost childish, using this technique to ground Hawke but... it does work. Sometimes anyway.

[Marian Hawke]

"Sh-shield," she whimpers. that's right. Aveline is my Shield. She won't let me get hurt. Or hurt myself. I'd only hurt her.

[Tethras Clan]

"Right. I'm your maori," Aveline says warmly, pressing a kiss to her temple. "You're safe here. I have you. What do you feel? What does your body feel right now?"

[Marian Hawke]

"hurts," she whimpers. "My heart, my chest, hurts." She takes a deep breath, lets it out. "Warm. Safe."