Imprints in Stone [AU]

[Carver Amell]

"Can I tell you about it?" he asks, pressing her close. "Please. Can I tell you?"

[Bethany]

"Anything. Anything at all. And if I start to get mad or... waspish, just... kick me in the shin," she says, laughing a little. Just like you used to do with Marian. "But softly please, I'm not tough like you both are."

[Carver Amell]

"I can't stop," he whispers, shuddering. "I tried. I wanted to. I told myself, less frequently. Wean off it. But I couldn't. That day, that very fucking day, after I was worried I might hurt myself too bad and not find my way back to you, after Dad told me I need to go longer between cuts, that day, I cut again. I-- I don't know what's happened to me. I don't know why I can't control myself. I just... I nearly died, Vallen had to save me, and, she's been by my side ever since, and even now, part of me, all I can think of is, is now that I'm away from her maybe I have time to sneak off and cut again."

[Bethany]

"Like hell you do," Bethany growls, the hug she has around him tightening almost painfully. "I have a spell that will make you vomit for hours," she threatens him worriedly. "And I'll use it if I have to. I'm not letting you... go. I'd... prefer we not have to do that though. You know you can... talk to me, right? I... I'll be better, I promise."

[Carver Amell]

He nods against her shoulder. "I trust you," he says quietly. "I'm so scared, Beth. That's the only reason I'm so protective. I'm scared you'll get hurt and leave me. I... I still can barely process what's happened. That Merrill tried to... that she... I keep wondering who's next, will it be you or Dad."

[Bethany]

Bethany laughs softly, though with little mirth. "Look us... my fear of losing you making me a bitch. Your fear of losing me making you hurt yourself. And both of us forcing us apart with it."

[Carver Amell]

"All you ever wanted was me, wasn't it?" he adds, with a similar laugh. "I kept trying to figure out what you wanted, what I could do that would make you happy. It was this. Letting you... letting you hurt for me, a little."

[Bethany]

"Such a boy," Beth mumbles. "You really don't get emotions, do you? Oh foo," she says suddenly. "I'm going to have to train Don too, aren't I? I hope Ari's already made good progress on that..."

[Carver Amell]

"Don's better at it than me," says Carver, glumly.

[Bethany]

"Well, he's older than us, so that's only to be expected," Bethany says smoothly. "He's had more time to figure it out." She snorts a little. "And he's had good parents for much longer than us."

[Carver Amell]

"Gods. I can't imagine what we'd be without Dad."

[Bethany]

"Dead and a broken whore probably," Beth whispers, then winces. "Sorry."

[Carver Amell]

"We'd never have made it to Nyra. Not on your broken leg, not with me barely holding together. Just... dead." He shudders. "It's like there's two mes sometimes: the me that loves you desperately, the me that wants to be here with you forever, the me that is your brother, and then the Hound, who can never be good enough but has to try anyway. The Hound keeps whispering, you deserve to suffer, you are nothing, less than nothing. But usually I don't listen. When... when I hurt you, when I hurt Merrill, both mes agree. And lately the Hound says, I should have died, I should die, nobody needs me. And I'm so scared because I keep wanting to agree. I keep thinking, there's no way I'll ever make you happy, maybe I should listen. And I don't want to, Beth. I love you and I want to see you grow up and marry Don and have a bunch of merikos babies and be happy. And I want... I want Merrill to be okay. And, maybe, maybe someday I can find someone and learn how to not be awful to them and maybe I could get married. But none of that will happen if I hollow myself out or, or kill myself."

[Bethany]

Bethany starts crying again half-way through Carver's outpouring of emotion and confession. "I love, I love you, I love you, I l-love, love you," she murmurs as he finishes, needing to reassure him even as he speaks. "You shouldn't have d-died. None of us should have. The d-de- scelratis shouldn't have even b-been there. Marian should have gone ahead to uni. Found an apartment. Sent for us. We'd have gotten a place together, the two of us with her help. You'd've joined the guard, I'd become a healer and then joined with you. Marian would have finished with honors and become Dad's heir. Might have been slower, but I bet he'd have adopted us eventually- he was empty, hungry for family. Merrill and Helene too, I'm sure. Maybe sooner, maybe latter. But we're meant to be a family one way or another. I just wish we hadn't had to s-suffer so much for it."

[Carver Amell]

"Me too," he whispers fervently. "Gods. Me too."