Blood from Stone [AU]

[Varric]

"I'll gladly take the names." Like as not, already have them but still. "Finding something to do sounds good. But... I had meant in relation to Liz. You don't want to be involved at all? Liz is going to be pretty spell-shy of you for a while, I won't say otherwise, but that doesn't mean your support and love wouldn't be helpful."

[Carver Amell]

He shakes his head. "I won't make any promise of that sort with her," he says quietly. "And I can't... I can't watch you make it either. I can't ever be in that position again, where I have to decide if she lives or dies. Where I have to let her go."

[Varric]

"Then be my ace," Varric says softly. "Let me promise. And if my plan fails, if Liz tries to leave... you didn't promise and you can chase them."

[Carver Amell]

He flinches. "How can you stand it?" he whispers, trying not to hear a scream in the distance. 

[Varric]

"Stand..." Varric's speech slow and stops before he gets out more than the first word. "Ah. Well... because I have to. Because if I break down or falter, then I've failed my kids. So I maintain control. Of everything, including myself. Especially myself. Of everything, that's the only thing I truly can control." He hesitates then, recalling another time Carver faced him down about Liz. "It is control. This does hurt. This does scare me. Makes me feel worried and frustrated. But I push it down, shove it aside. For later."

[Carver Amell]

He shakes his head. "How can you even bear to say, even as a hypothetical, that you'd... that you'd give up on her. That you'd let her die. I can't... I can't even begin to... No. I had to do it once and it almost broke me. Maybe... maybe it's because you weren't there, before, you didn't have to make that call, but.."

[Varric]

"Because I have to believe it won't. That we'll save them." Varric's eyes flick to the side. "And..." He licks his lips, a sizeable part of him screaming at him to shut up, to hold this back, to keep the idea just to himself so there's no chance of it getting to the wrong ears. "I value legacy over my honor. So. Not proud of that but..." But Liz isn't his only kid and Carver needs to know. Hopefully he gets what legacy means to me.

[Carver Amell]

Carver's breath catches in his throat; he nods, glancing away, his eyes pricking with tears. "I can't believe that. It... I had to do this before. I can't believe it won't happen again. And she... Marian was never the most honor-bound either. So, so watch her. At all times, watch her. I don't... she might... try to skip out early. But... please. Please. If you ever loved me, please, don't let my sister die again. Don't let that be on my conscience again."

[Varric]

"I honestly, truly, deeply think they meant it. Their offer. I... I get the impression it..." He pauses, hand coming up to indicate he's not down. "The... deadline, the promise about leaving... it felt more like... a way to convince themself that it's okay to try. That... that they won't be a danger if they can't heal. Like... Like a child's blanket, a talisman against the monsters under the bed. Liz wants to heal. They're just terrified of what it could mean if they don't and they need to protect us." He snorts. "The pair of you are more similar than either of you would like to admit."

[Carver Amell]

"I hope you're right," he whispers, hanging his head. "It's an awful feeling, sending someone you love to their death."

Swallowing, turning to glance at the doorknob, he adds, still in a whisper, "I got drunk last night."

[Varric]

Is Merrill okay? Varric isn't pleased with himself for that being his first thought but... "And?" Realizing that might be taken as a dismissive response instead of a request for more information, he adds, "continue."

[Carver Amell]

"And nothing. I got drunk with Jass, Merrill was nearby to make sure it was all safe. We woke up hung over but we had that cured. Just... I got drunk." 

Having been sober for two years, that's still pretty significant, even if nothing came of it. Still, it could have been a lot worse. 

[Varric]

"Then I'm proud of you," Varric says softly. "I know you that was... not something you were looking to do, but I'm glad that you faced that and came out hale and whole."

[Carver Amell]

Carver sighs, looking down at his hands. I shouldn't have done it. And I knew I shouldn't, when I did it. I was just so mad... he doesn't understand. There's nothing to be proud of. 

"Anyway," he says quietly. "I'm going to go find an inn for Jass and me tonight. It's not great to sleep at the Bandanna hideout. I'll figure out what I'm doing tomorrow, after I talk to Aveline." He digs into his coat pocket, pulls out a folded bit of parchment, offers it to Varric. 

[Varric]

Brow furrowing, Varric takes the paper. "Did... are you having other... impulses of... returns to past behavior?"