The Amell Legacy: Transgressions

[Marian Hawke]

"It's ended like this twice so far," says Marian, dubiously. 

[NPCs]

Roland makes a 'go on' sort of gesture. "Not been around that long, gonna have to give me more context than that."

[Marian Hawke]

She sighs, closing her eyes a moment. "Haliel doesn't want me. Can't ever want me. It hurt like nothing I've ever felt before. Since I left Draslina my only goal has been to get the twins to safety, I've barely asked for anything for myself, and every time it ends in tears."

[NPCs]

Roland frowns. "I... Uh. I guess I misread this morning- wasn't she in with you and Isabela? I honestly thought you and her were a couple to be honest."

[Marian Hawke]

"She doesn't... have sexual feelings," admits Marian. "I kissed her and... it went very badly for me."

[NPCs]

"Doesn't have... oh! Yeah, aasimar can do that sort of thing. Other outsider-bloods too. I mean, any mortal can be that way, but aasimar have it the most." He frowns a bit, mulling that over. "Regardless of why, rejection is pretty rough. Particularly the first time or from someone you're really invested in."

[Marian Hawke]

"I told them, I wouldn't find anyone. That being sapphic, it's not likely that I'll ever... but they told me, that's not right. They said I'll find someone. But nobody's happy for me. Nobody wants me to go for it. They just don't want to face the reality of it. The same with all this talking about my problems shit. If I talk, I make people sad, and they hate that. They just don't want to face that my life is harder."

[NPCs]

"Suppose no-one was jumping up with glee for you getting laid last night," he allows, though he can't help but recall that Lightsong vanished up into the bedroom along with them for a few hours. Not sure how that fits with her being frigid and unsupportive but... people are complex as shit. "Harder than what?" he wonders, then shakes his head. "Doesn't matter really. Pick a small problem and we can figure how to fix it. Then you pick another small problem and solve that. And so on and so on."

[Marian Hawke]

"I don't have small problems," she says, quietly. "Maybe Beth's right. Maybe I'm selfish."

[NPCs]

"You're seventeen, comes standard," Roland agrees with a snort. "So is she. Alright. How about a fast problem? Something we can work on right now?"

[Marian Hawke]

Marian frowns for a moment, thinking things over. "I'm not very brave," she suggests. 

[NPCs]

"Bit abstract but... alright. What are you afraid of right now?"

[Marian Hawke]

"Getting hurt," she says, her voice very soft. "I guess that's mostly what I'm afraid of." Falling. Giving up control. Being hurt for it. In the literal sense and the abstract both.

[NPCs]

Roland nods slowly. "Pain is a hard thing to face. Nothing short of magic, fanaticism or abject stupidity can get rid of it entire like, but... One thing I've found that helps a bit is knowing that you can get better after. Afraid of rejection? Get drunk, find a tavern and ask out everyone with a hint of appeal. Take the no's, the drinks in the face, the slaps, the fucks offs and wake up the next morning realizing that... You're okay. Small rejections from strangers... like tempering metal."

[Marian Hawke]

"I can't do that," she whispers, shuddering. "I get rejected all the time. Reminded in little ways how I'm not enough, I'll never be enough. I'm not a scholar like Seeker wants me to be. I'm not a bard, like my dad -- I'm not my father, no matter how much I look like him. Beth's the one you want, really. I'm not a good person like Lightsong wants; I still haven't told her I'm switching to Zanon. Whatever I did to piss off Varric is just the latest thing that pisses him off. I'm never going to be good enough. I should just -- I should just--" 

She glances away, then, shifting her seat a little, hands gripping the branch but eyes looking down.