Under Darkness [AU]

[Marian Hawke]

Hawke takes a deep breath, lets it out. "I couldn't figure out how to talk about Seli's visit," she admits. "Not with Merrill."

[Tethras Clan]

Zevran winces a little, though Aveline looks a little confused. "I... can understand that. I... I never really did talk much with either of you about where or when I learned some of the things we did together. Or why." And Aveline looks less confused but more worried.

[Marian Hawke]

Hawke lets out a slow breath. "I know where you learned them," she says, her tone dark. "I understand why you like them. But I can't-- she acted as though it were normal, to want to do that to Merrill. I can't accept that."

[Tethras Clan]

"To do what Hawke?" Aveline asks gently. "I don't know what you're talking about, not really. Please try and explain it to me?"

[Marian Hawke]

She takes a deep breath, lets it out. "I'm what's called a dominant. A... a sadist." 

[Tethras Clan]

"Sexual sadist," Zevran clarifies. "A sadist enjoys pain. You are a sexual sadist. And masochist. You enjoy the spice of pain, giving and receiving, with your pleasure. It is very different than someone that just wants to hurt people."

Aveline shifts uncomfortably. "What... what kinds of things? I mean..." She flushes. "You both know I like to... pin you both down, hold you in place. And that I like... teeth. Is... is it like that?"

[Marian Hawke]

Hawke looks at Aveine, startled. "That-- yes, that sort of thing."

[Tethras Clan]

"That's some of the lighter stuff, yes. Also spanking or... hair or nipple pulling. Or just rough and wild penetration really," Zevran explains. "It can get rather intense- spanking with a rod or whip, knife play, fire play, choking, needleplay..."

Aveline was nodding until the 'intense' list. "Ah. Umm. Is that... is that where you'd... like to go?" she asks Hawke tentatively. Using a.... a tool instead of just bare hand doesn't sound that bad but the other stuff...

[Marian Hawke]

Hawke swallows, mouth dry for a moment. "No," she rasps, then swallows again. "No. I can't, I won't, do that ever again. But I-- Seli talks as if it's alright to want to."

[Tethras Clan]

"Because it is," Zevran insists. "What J- what- Those things are not bad in and of themselves. It's doing them without consent, without informed, willing and excited or at least curious consent, that is wrong. I like being whipped or spanked. I can enjoy being held down, though not tied. I enjoy very light cuts or pricks with a needle, but only lightly. I very much enjoy biting." He glances at Aveline, who winces but nods firmly.

"I... I've never had a lover other than the two of you and my... sexual education before you both was... evidently very lacking and very biased. But I know I like having the two of you bite me, especially.." She has to take a second to complete the sentence, "on my nipples. I like it when you're rough with my breasts. The... pain... does make it better, for me. I... I'm curious about... the idea of using a... tool for... spanking. I wouldn't be okay with drawing blood but..." She needs to swallow. "I like seeing... I like it when I leave handprints, when I grip you both. It feels..."

"Like a claim? Or perhaps a reminder of what we shared? I feel the same about love bites." So saying, he glances at the small dark bruise on Hawke's neck.

[Marian Hawke]

Hawke is quiet for a long moment, deep in her thoughts. Too quiet. Was this too much? Is she spiraling downward?

She speaks, before they really feel the need to intervene. "I think... it's the power dynamic," she says slowly. "I can't really hurt Ave-- I can't hurt Aveline with weapons," she amends. "She's stronger than me, and sturdier, and can heal. But Merrill... she's so delicate, so fragile. Always has been."

[Tethras Clan]

Aveline considers that for a moment. "That... I can understand that. I..." She blushes again. I swear, I've blushed more this season than I have in the entirely of my life prior. "I would... might be interested in pinning her but I don't think I could be that rough. She... her skin is delicate. It bruises easily," she finishes with a murmur.

[Marian Hawke]

Hawke nods. "What I-- what we did to her," she corrects, and it's not accurate but it's a start, "I'm amazed she's been able to heal at all. The fact that it didn't... didn't take away those urges, it.... it's wrong."

[Tethras Clan]

"Even if she wants it?" Zevran asks softly. He holds up a hand. "I don't mean to say that because she wants it- if she still does, I... haven't spoken to her about it since... since. But if she does still enjoy those things, that doesn't mean you or anyone else is obligated to do so. But if she does want it, then she has the right to seek it out. To enjoy it."

Aveline gives him a look. "You said 'still' a few times there..."

Nodding, the merikos drow supplies, "Merrill was submissive and masochistic, though not sadistic, in the bedroom well before Memento Mori."

[Marian Hawke]

Hawke shakes her head. "I did.. things... with Merrill that I am now deeply ashamed of doing, of wanting. This.. seeing what it did to her, what I did to her... shouldn't I... if I really love her, shouldn't I not... want... those things anymore?"