The Silver Queen [AU]

[Tethras Clan]

"And me. Isabela, Helene. Hunter, Silence and Beka," Zevran counters. "You're not alone, Carver. Hawke... Hawke tried. She really did. I know... I know that doesn't help, not really, but she did. I know she sent money back, all the way until... Mori. She just... she thought she wasn't wanted. It is... a special hell, a burning, devouring pain, to try and live in a home, with a family, that doesn't want you. My half-brother was... far less welcoming to the dark-skinned bastard than my father."

[Carver Amell]

"But I wanted her there. I just... I just wanted her. Not this... Nyra changed her. Made her worse, in a lot of ways. She stopped caring about her family. She felt obligated to help, and I'm glad of that, but she wasn't there. She went back and.. I won't say I was the most fun to be around, because I wasn't, but she just... moved on. Like Beth didn't even matter. Like... Gods. Like she was ready to be someone new, some witch with a new family and a new life, and to hell with anything that reminded her of Golden Shores."

[Tethras Clan]

"...did you ever tell her that? Not demand she come home, not tell her she's needed but... just tell her, that you love her and miss her? That you want to be family?" Zevran asks gently. "Hawke could be... very obtuse about things, always willing to believe the worst of herself. It... would not be hard for her to convince herself she was unwanted." A trait that seems something of a family trait.

[Carver Amell]

"I tried," he says, with a sigh. "I did. I'm sure she's told you all kinds of awful things but... that last night, it was like a punch to the gut. She'd been sneaking off not only to a whole second family but also to learn magic, the thing that-- I know, I get it, but at the time, that was what killed Bethany."

[Tethras Clan]

"That... must have hurt," Zevran allows. Like fucking a sl- "At the age you were then, ignorance isn't your sin or crime, but that of your parents, your teachers. It's not your fault you blamed all magic. But..." He hesitates, trying to find the right words. "You felt betrayed, that she was learning magic after what magic was used for. Because it took part of your family. She should not have hidden it, though I can't blame her for doing so really. Even when I met her, after this, I could see she still felt guilty and... wary of her magic. Of having to learn how to use it in order to make it safe. Still... why attack? She was your sister too... why did you not... simply ask?"

[Carver Amell]

"You should have seen us back then," he says, frowning, turning away. "We used to shout like, like you and Bela flirt."

[Tethras Clan]

"Shouting is not stabbing," Zevran points out. 

[Carver Amell]

"I don't expect you to understand. Varric didn't, and he was in my goddamn head. Just -- that's all I have to offer by way of reasons. She used to make me so blinding mad I couldn't see, and she knew it and did it on purpose, and I thought she was betraying Beth's memory."

[Tethras Clan]

Zevran considers that for a moment, then shrugs. "I suppose I have done stupid things, things that seemed perfectly reasonable at the time. Even just or righteous." He snorts lightly. "Fucking one of my master's wives for instance. Enjoyable yes, but not the wisest idea. Though I think it was adding his virgin daughters to the mix that really pushed it over the edge," he muses.

[Carver Amell]

"She wasn't perfect, you know," says Carver, quietly. "I know I fucked up. I shouldn't have stabbed her. But she was... she was a firebrand. She wished I'd died instead, just like Mother did. She'd never have said it, like Mother, but she would rather have had her sister." Sometimes I thought about trying to grant that wish, but... I could never have been Beth. I was always only Carver.

[Tethras Clan]

"I am aware she was imperfect," Zevran agrees. "I... perhaps she learned, from losing you. She was never... argumentative with us. Oh, she has fire in her, but it was... our worry was that she would break herself to please us. To save people." He thinks a moment, of gently asking if Carver could honestly say he never thought, never wished, that it had been Marian instead of Beth... but doesn't. "Stubborn, careless at times, unwilling to ask for help, secretive- especially about things she thought would worry or displease us- and impulsive." His smile twists with pain. "She loved you. Even... until the- no, even now, she loves you."

[Carver Amell]

"That's nice of you to say," he says, rubbing his face with one hand. 

[Tethras Clan]

"But you do not believe it," Zevran doesn't ask.

[Carver Amell]

"She loved Beth. I was an unwanted tag-along. Beth was the only one who really wanted me around."

[Tethras Clan]

"She loved you as well," Zevran repeats firmly. "Even after the... separation, she spoke of you from time to time. With worry and regret."