Blood from Stone [AU]

[Marian Hawke]

"I-- but I don't-- I'm not--"

She turns to look at her hand, which twitches faintly, then flinches. Then what was I...? "You told me to move, I only did because..."

[Varric]

"Because you were hurting yourself by keeping so still," Varric interrupts in a ruthlessly kind voice. "When emotions get intense, you need to move. That's just how people like us work."

[Marian Hawke]

"Like... us?" she whispers, mingled horror and awe in her tone.

[Varric]

"My brain is evidently a bit of a... puzzle," Varric says with a smirk. "Alternative cognitive processing condition- the proper name for what folk medicine calls 'dream taken' is really, really complicated and not as well studied as I'd like but..." He shrugs. "That's why I work with the Doctor every other week. From what he can tell, I have a mild version of ACP, combined with a few other conditions. ACP is often... bundled with other stuff. For me, my, ah, meticulous nature and high preference for order and plans? Evidently a type of neurosis. Just... part of who I am. Just like you having ACP is part of you being who you are. Nothing wrong with it, no more than Helene have ACP or Carver having his learning disability."

[Marian Hawke]

"..Carver has...?" she breathes, taking another deep breath. "I... you... this is too much, all at once, too much," she moans.

[Varric]

"Let's just sit here for five minutes and... process things then," Varric suggests. "Have a scone, move or rock if you want. Hum. Whatever helps you work through things."  A beat. "And yes, but he's fine. He just has trouble focusing on non-physical things. Why he was never able to get through a day at school without trouble. He needs to move, to do things."

[Marian Hawke]

"Please don't freak out," she whispers, and then she lets go, lets herself sink into the darkness, lets herself feel.

Her eyes screw tightly shut; she doesn't want to see, want to know anything. In deference to the rest of the household, she doesn't let the scream in her head out, but she hugs her knees tight, rocking. After a moment, she reaches up, pulling the blanket off Carver's bed to cover her, seeking the darkness, the warmth. She allows the thoughts inside her to bubble up and overwhelm her:

(bad bad bad) I can't do this I can't I can't (bad bad) [hurt Beth, hurt everyone] (useless stupid bad) it's too much, too much, I can't (weak useless pathetic) [dream-taken just like Helene] [Varric too] (stupid idiot pathetic broken) he's wrong about me, I can't handle it, I can't do anything alone, this is the best it will ever be

And yet, within a few minutes, the storm calms. She breathes deeply, lets it out slowly. The rocking slows, becoming more of a shivering, her breathing jagged but rhythmic. It takes longer than five minutes, but fewer than ten, before she tentatively lowers the blanket, blinking, her head much clearer. 

Oddly enough, the dominant emotion now isn't pain or panic -- it's shame, guilt, keen embarrassment. She doesn't look at Varric, twisting her hands together in her lap, fingers unable to remain still, but otherwise calm. 

[Varric]

Varric is sitting there, back partially to her so she has some privacy. He's juggling with one hand while tapping his leg with the other, head bobbing slowly. At the sound of her shifting around, he catches the ball bearings and glances over at her. "Feel better?" he asks, voice low and eyes directed over her shoulder. 

[Marian Hawke]

"Yes," she whispers, keenly ashamed. Now that she's looking, now that she knows what to look for, she's mildly surprised to realize she's not surprised at all. She's seen him tapping on his leg, shifting in small ways, and the like. She just never knew what it meant before. 

When emotions get intense, you need to move.

"I've.. frightened you?" she asks, hesitantly. "I'm sorry."

[Varric]

Varric smiles faintly. "A bit, yeah," he allows. "Well... not fear. Worry, concern... anxiety. Frustration- with myself," he adds quickly. "Not being able to fix things. Not having control of a situation. You may have noticed I'm something of a control freak." She seems better (calmer anyway). More in control. 

"Not about your episode either," he clarifies. "Just... that I can't help you to the degree I'd like. Which is basically totally. Instantly." He shrugs a little, a self-mocking smile playing on his lips. "I'm also a bit hard on myself. It burns to not be able to make it all better for family."

[Marian Hawke]

"I... remember that," she says slowly. "That feeling. The.. the need to do better, the need to protect them from the unprotectable. Unpredictable?"

[Varric]

"Yeah," Varric says softly. "It's... weary work but satisfying. Never realized how... pointless things felt until I found you kids." Family. Clan. Legacy. "Landing in that clearing, not seeing you with the twins..." He takes a slow breath. "That was the worst moment of my life. Knowing I failed so..."

[Marian Hawke]

Liz glances away. "You didn't fail."

[Varric]

Varric snorts. "Like hells. I should have prepared better. Drilled the three of you on escape plans. Given you better resources, trained you more. I was arrogant, assumed I could handle any threats in your quiet little village."

[Marian Hawke]

"No," she says, quietly. "You gave us everything we needed to escape, all three of us, unharmed."